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TEEN DATING VIOLENCE FACTS

1 in 4 high school students will be involved in an abusive relationship prior to graduating.

40% of teenage girls ages 14-17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. (Children Now/Kaiser Permanente Poll, December 1995)

20% of female homicide victims are between 15 and 24 years old. (E. Kessner 1988)

Women between the ages of 16 and 24 are nearly three times more vulnerable to intimate partner violence. (Family Violence Prevention Fund, 2001)

In 2001, there were 19 homicides in Maine, 9 of which were domestic violence related. Out of 9 homicide, 5 of them involved victims under the age of 25. (Maine Department of Public Safety)

Studies have shown that 67% of young women reporting rape were raped by dating partners. (Barrie Levy, 1983)

WARNING SIGNS OF BEING A VICTIM OF VIOLENCE:

• Sudden changes in clothes or make-up
  
• Bruises, scratches, or other injuries
  
• Falling grade or dropping out of school activities
  
• Avoiding friends
  
• Difficulty making decisions
  
• Sudden changes in mood or personality (ex. Anxious, depressed, acting out)
  
• Changes in eating or sleeping habits
  
• Constantly thinking about dating partner
  
• Using drugs or alcohol
  
• Pregnancy (may have been forced)

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT DATING VIOLENCE

1. WHAT IS TEEN DATING VIOLENCE?

• Dating violence is repeated physical, emotional, or sexual abuse used to frighten, hurt, and control another person. In a violent dating relationship, one person is afraid of and intimidated by the other. Abuse can take place among people who may be “going out,” dating, living together, engaged, or married. Violence within an intimate relationship includes, but is not limited to, the following behaviors
• Physical Abuse: includes pushing, shoving, pinching, scratching, hitting, kicking, slapping abandoning in a dangerous place, and holding someone to keep her from leaving
• Emotional Abuse: includes name-calling, constant criticizing, threatening, public humiliation, controlling behavior, isolating from others, behaving jealously, and destroying possessions
• Sexual Abuse: includes continued sexual advances after being told “no,” unwanted or uncomfortable touching, calling someone sexually derogatory names, and forced sex.

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without help, the abuse is likely to continue and even worsen.

2. HOW CAN I TELL IF MY RELATIONSHIP IS BECOMING VIOLENT?

• If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you are experiencing abusive behavior.
• Are you going out with someone who…
• Is jealous and possessive toward you, won’t let you have friends, checks up on you, won’t accept breaking up.
  
• Tries control you by being very bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions; doesn’t take your opinions seriously.
  
• Is scary. You worry about how they will react to things you say or do. Threatens you, uses or owns weapons.
  
• Is violent: has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, brags about mistreating others.
  
• Pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary around sex. Thinks of you as a sex object.
• Attempts to manipulate or guilt trip you by saying “If you really love me you would…”
• Gets too serious about the relationship too fast.
  
• Abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them.
  
• Blames you when they mistreat you. Says you provoked them, pressed their buttons, made them do it, lead them on.
  
• Has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for all the problems.
  
• Believes that one person should be in control and powerful and that one person should be passive and submissive in a relationship.
  
• Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told they were worried for your safety.
  

Transition House, Inc. C 1995

3. WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN A HEALTHY DATING RELATIONSHIP?

There are many ways we can talk about love. But there are certain images and words describing what love is that leads to confusion and sometimes to bad situations if acted on. In fact some of these messages are actually what love isn’t. There are many things about love that can’t be summed up in a word. Here are two lists to help you sort out what love is or isn’t. These are to help you decide how you want to be treated.

4. WHAT CAN I DO IF I’M BEING ABUSED IN A DATING RELATIONSHIP?

Most importantly, remember that you are not responsible for the abuse. No matter what anyone tells you, no one ever asks to be abused. Abusers make a conscious choice to be violent and intimidating. They use their anger as a tool to gain power and control over their victims. But even with this knowledge, you can’t make the abuser stop hurting you. If leaving the relationship is not an immediate option for you, help is available in the meantime.

Tell an adult you trust. Like the abuse itself, the pain and fear it causes won’t magically vanish.
Create a safety plan: a way for you to end the relationship and get the extra emotional support you need. This may include hiding an extra set of car keys and spare cash so that you can get away in an emergency. Also, review your options if you were abused an unable to get away: calling 911, setting off fire alarms, signaling to a neighbor, etc.

Call Womancare’s 24-hour Helpline at (207) 564-8165 or toll free at (888) 564-8165. You can call anonymously; all of Womancare’s services are free and confidential. (Womancare is a mandated reporter of child abuse or elder abuse, the mistreatment or neglect of a child or elderly person by a caregiver.)

For the National Domestic Violence Hotline, call toll free at 1 (800) 799-7233.

5. HOW CAN I HELP A FRIEND/DAUGHTER WHO IS EXPERIENCING TEEN DATING VIOLENCE?

• Most importantly, believe the victim. Victims need to know they will not be doubted or blamed for the abuse.
• Don’t judge or criticize.
• Listen to what she has to say.
• Recommend that she get the help of a trusted adult, and encourage her to get out of the relationship.
• Suggest options. Often a victim of abuse will feel there are no choices.
• Let her be in control of the planning and decision-making, including who knows about the dating violence.
• Ask her if there is anything you can do, but know that you do not have the power to fix everything.
• Tell her that the abuse is not her fault and that she is not to blame no matter how guilty she may be feeling. Also, tell her that the abuser is the one with the problem and it is his responsibility to change his behavior.
• Afterwards, take care of yourself. Hearing about dating violence can be difficult and upsetting. It is normal to feel angry, but confronting the abuser is not going to make the situation better.
• Discuss your feelings with a domestic violence project or a school counselor.

6. WHY IS IT HARD TO DECIDE TO LEAVE?

The victim usually tries to find a way of getting away from the violence without having to break up. They are clear that they want the violence to stop, by staying they are not choosing to be hurt, but they are not clear that they want the relationship to end. It may take some more strength or courage then they have right now.

Here is a list of reasons that some victims stay in an abusive relationship:

• “I really loved him (when he was not being violent) and hoped he would change.”
  
• “I felt I was the only one who understood him. He needed me. I felt I could help him.”
  
• “He’d cry and promise not to do it again. I believed him.”
  
• “My friends think he’s great, and ashamed to admit we have problems, I keep trying to make things work.”
  
• “I was afraid of him because he threatened to hurt or kill me, or other guys I might go out with.”
  
• “I felt lucky to have him, and believed that no one else would want to be with me; I was convinced that I was ugly and stupid.”
  
• “We go to the same school. I was pressured by his friends, like I was doing something terrible to him when I told him I wanted to break up.”
  
• “I believed that everything would be fine when his problems were solved, for example, when he didn’t have pressure from parents or school.”
  
• “I believed the violence would stop when we lived together or got married because he would trust me.”
  
• “I have tried to break up, but he harassed me or became so depressed he scared me, so I tried to keep things calm until the “right” time.”
  
• “I had a baby with him. How could I break up with the father of my kid?”

PERSONALIZED SAFETY PLAN FOR TEENS

The following steps represent my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in advance for the possibility of further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner’s violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him and how to get myself to safety.

Safety During An Argument

• If we have an argument on a date and I feel unsafe, I will ________________. (How could you call to get a safe ride home? What would you do if left in an isolated area?)
• If we have an argument at school and I feel unsafe, I will ______________? (Who could help you? Where could you be safe at school? What teacher/counselor do you trust?)
• If we have an argument at a house and I feel unsafe, I will try to have us discuss it in ________________. (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons, or in rooms without access to a door.)
• I will use ____________ as my code word with my family and friends so that they can tell they can call for help.

Safety In My Home

• I will call __________ if he/she comes over and I’m alone and feeling unsafe. (Who can you call to come over? Who can you call if you need help?)
• I will ___________ if we get in an argument and I feel unsafe. (What exits are there in your house? Where are all the phones that you can use to call the police?)
• When he/she calls and I feel threatened I will ______________. (Can you screen your calls with an answering machine? Change your number? Could you have the telephone company trace the calls for a stalking report?)
• If I see him/her standing outside I will ______________ so that I can be safe. (Who can help you? Can you take pictures or document how many times it happens, to file a staling report?)

Adapted from House of Ruth, Inc., P.O. Box 457, Claremont, CA 91711.

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I’M NOT SAYING

Don’t be fooled by me.

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.

For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.

Masks that I am afraid to take off.

But none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature to me,

Within as well as without.

That confidence is my name and coolness my game,

And that I need no one.

Don’t believe me.

Please!

My surface may be smooth.

But my face is my mask.

My ever concealing mask.

Beneath dwells the real me,

In confusion and fear,

In loneliness.

I idly talk with you in the smooth tones of surface chatter.

I tell you everything that’s really nothing,

Of what’s crying within me.

So, when I’m going through my routine,

Please don’t be fooled by what I’m saying.

Please listen carefully,

and try to hear what I’m not saying.

But what I’d like to be able to say.

Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

Each time you try to understand because you really care,

Very small, feeble wings,

but wings.

With your sympathy and sensitivity,

and your power of understanding,

You can breath life into me.

I want you to know how important you are to me.

How you can be a part of the person that is me,

if you choose to.

Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.

My sense of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach me,

the blinder I may strike back.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls.

This is my only hope.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.

I am a hurting member of your family,

I am the person sitting beside you in this room,

I am the every person you meet on the street.

Please don’t believe my masks.

Please speak to me, share a little of yourself with me.

At least recognize me.

Please.

Because you care.

Author Unknown

Condensed and Revised