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1. WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Domestic violence is any attempt to maintain power and control over an intimate partner that instills fear in the victim. The use or threat of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse is an issue of power and control for the abuser. Believing it is his right to control the victim through any means necessary, abusers often are unable to see any real harm in their violent behavior.

Domestic violence is the most common cause of injury to women in our society-exceeding the number of injuries for auto accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. In Maine, where domestic violence is the leading cause of homicide, an estimated 60,000 women are abused annually.

Domestic violence happens in household of all ages, races, sexual orientations, ethnic, religious, economic, and educational backgrounds. There is no group of people that is not affected by domestic violence.

Domestic violence isolates the victim and robs her of inner strength, self-worth, and the ability to make her own choices. She begins to believe she is responsible for the abuse.

Domestic violence traumatizes children, destroying their ability to feel safe in the world and causing them to feel responsible for the abuse.

2. WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

The equality wheel shows an example of how a healthy relationship should look. Healthy relationships are based on the belief that two people in a relationship are partners with equal rights to have their needs met and equal responsibility for the success of the partnership. In this equality belief system, violence is not an option because it violates the rights of one partner and jeopardizes the success of the relationship. The dignity of both partners is built up in a relationship based on equality.

Non-Threatening Behavior: Talking so that you feel safe and comfortable expressing yourself and doing things, and acting so that you feel safe and comfortable expressing yourself and doing things.

Respect: Listening to you non-judgmentally, valuing your opinions, and being emotionally affirming and understanding.

Trust and Support: Respecting your right to have your own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions, and supporting your goals in life.

Honesty and Accountability: Accepting responsibility for yourself, acknowledging past use of violence, admitting being wrong, and communicating openly and truthfully.

Responsible Parenting: Being a positive, nonviolent role model for children and sharing parental responsibilities.

Shared Responsibility: Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work and making family decisions together,

Economic Partnership: Making money decisions together and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and Fairness: Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict, accepting change, and being willing to compromise.

3. HOW CAN I TELL IF MY RELATIONSHIP IS BECOMING VIOLENT?

If you answer Yes to one or more of the following questions, you are experiencing abusive behavior:

Does Your Partner:

• Call you names or threaten you?
  
• Tell you everything is your fault?
  
• Make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him?
  
• Make you feel like you are a prisoner of your own home, and unable to come and go as you please?
  
• Follow you, or show up at your work, school or friends’ homes?
  
• Get jealous when you spend time with family or friends?
  
• Isolate you from family and friends?
  
• Monitor your actions and force you to account for your time?
  
• Force you to have sex when you don’t want to?
  
• Refuse to practice safe sex, putting you at risk of contracting STD’s?
  
• Accuse you of having affairs?
  
• Threaten to or actually hurt you, your children, pets, or other family members?
  
• Threaten to or break your property, furniture, or valuables?
  
• Deny you access to money, make you account for every penny, or spend money needed for family expenses?
  
• Act like two different people (i.e., Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde)?
  
• Minimize or deny things that he has done to you?
  
• Ever say, “I can’t live without you” or “I’d kill myself if you ever left me?”
  
• If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship.

If you are being abused, you are not alone. The violence and abuse is not your fault. Abuse occurs in all communities, to people of all ethnic/racial, faith, political, socioeconomic identities, to people of all levels of ability, all ages and sexual orientations and occupations.

4. WHY DOES SHE STAY?

There are many good reasons why it may be difficult to be safe or to end a relationship with a violent partner. The choices women confront are not risk- free.

Risks of Seeking Help or Deciding to Leave

• Physical Violence and Psychological Harm
• Risk that the threats and violence will get worse, resulting in harm to the victim, children, friends, or family
  
• Risk that the batterer will follow through on suicide threats and harm himself
  
• Risk of continued harassment, stalking, and verbal and emotional attacks, especially if batterer has ongoing contact (such as court-ordered visitation)
  
• Risk of serious physical harm and/or death

Children

• Risk to the children of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse; possibility of increased risks to the children if batterer has unsupervised or inappropriately supervised visitation
  
• Risk of losing the children by parental kidnapping or as the result of a legal custody decision
  
• Risk of a negative impact on children as a result of “breaking up the family”
  

Financial

• Risk of reduced standard of living- possible loss of home, possessions, or neighborhood
  
• Risk of losing income or job- possible loss of partner’s income, may have to quit a job to relocate or to fulfill the responsibilities of single parenthood, may be prevented from working because of threats and harassment

Relationship

• Risk of losing their partner or losing the relationship
  
• Risk of losing help with the children, transportation, or household
  
• For elderly women or women with disabilities, risk of losing their caretaker

Responses from Friends, Family Members, and Helping Professionals

• Risk of not being believed or taken seriously, being blamed, being pressured to do something that she’s not ready or able to do
  
• Risk of being judged as a bad wife, partner, or mother
  
• Risk of being pressured to maintain the relationship based on religious and/or cultural beliefs or because the children “need a father”
  
• Risk that actions of “helpers” may increase danger

Under the best of circumstances, it is difficult to end a relationship with an intimate partner. Love, family, shared memories, and a sense of commitment are bonds that are hard to break. Cultural or religious beliefs may become impossible barriers to ending a marriage. Battered women face the additional risks of physical, emotional, and psychological harm. In addition, many battered women want the violence and abuse to stop, but they don’t want the relationship to end. Many women feel responsible for the abuse.

Seeking help, getting an order of protection, or deciding to leave only makes sense to a woman when, on balance, it reduces the overall risks to her and her children.

The answer is not to leave or stay.

Leaving doesn’t necessarily end the abuse.

The answer is that the abuser must be held accountable.

5. HOW CAN I HELP A FRIEND WHO IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

Millions of American women are physically and emotionally abused by their partners each year. Chances are, someone you know- your mother, sister, friend, coworker, or neighbor is a victim of domestic violence. Perhaps you feel your friend’s problem will “work itself out.” The truth is that generally the violence will not end until someone takes action to stop it.

What You Can Do:

• Become Informed
  
• Gather all the information you can about domestic violence. Contact Womancare to receive informational materials or to talk with an advocate about how you can be most helpful.
• Lend a Sympathetic Ear
  
• Letting your friend know you care and are willing to listen may be the best help you can offer. Don’t force it, allow her to confide at her own pace. Keep an open mind; never blame or minimize the situation. Focus on supporting her right to make her own choices in her own time. Be very careful not to increase her danger by sharing anything she tells you with an unsafe person-and never, under any circumstances, with the abuser.
• Guide Her To Services
  
• When she asks for advice, share the information you’ve learned. Encourage her to call the domestic violence Helpline. Many people who are abused first seek help from marriage counselors, members of the clergy, or their doctor. Not all helping professionals are fully aware of the special circumstances of abused women. If the first person she contacts is not helpful, encourage her to find assistance elsewhere.
• Focus On Her Strength
  
• Abuse systematically strips the victim of her sense of self-worth. Give her the emotional support she needs to believe that she is a good and worthy person. Help her examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she and her children deserve a life free from abuse in any form-emotional or physical.
• Help Her Develop A Safety Plan
  
• Help her think through the steps she should take if her partner becomes abusive again, and/or if she needs to leave suddenly. See the Safety Planning section of this Website for more information.
• If She Decides To Leave:
  
• It is important to remember that battered women are in the greatest danger when they attempt to leave their abuser. Leaving should happen with a well thought out safety plan. Encourage your friend to call the Womancare Helpline. Advocates can help her examine her options for maintaining safety and support her through the difficult and often dangerous process of leaving.

MYTHS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

MYTH: “Battering” overstates the case. Few women get beaten, though some may get slapped around a little.

FACT: Almost four million women are beaten in their homes every year by their male partners. Although the first violent incident may not be severe, once battering begins, it tends to increase in severity and frequency, sometimes leading to permanent injury or death.

MYTH: Battering is a family matter.

FACT: No act which can leave a woman permanently injured physically or mentally is a “family matter.” Regardless of the relationship between the people, assault is still assault. Arguing in such cases that the privacy of the family must be maintained can mean injury, death, or virtual imprisonment to many battered women. The same attitudes perpetuate the sexual abuse of children.

MYTH: Battering occurs only within low income or working class families, or within particular racial or ethnic groups.

FACT: Battering crosses all economic, educational, ethnic, age and racial lines in equal proportions. There is no “typical” victim.

MYTH: She asked for it or she wanted it.

FACT: The batterer is responsible for the violence, not the victim. People are beaten for breaking an egg yolk during breakfast, for wearing their hair a certain way, for dressing too nicely or not nicely enough, for cooking the wrong meal, or any other number of excuses. These incidents do not warrant or provoke violence. Even when someone disagrees, they do not deserve to be beaten. People, who are battered, do not want to be beaten.

MYTH: It can’t really be that bad or she wouldn’t stay.

FACT: many women do leave. However, some women stay because they have been threatened with worse harm if they leave or because they are economically dependent on their partners. The social and economic controls which a batterer places on a woman and process or trying to tear down her spirit can immobilize her.

MYTH: Just as many men as women are battered. Battered husbands just don’t come forward as often.

FACT: The vast majority of battering occurs in heterosexual couples, with the man battering the woman. The Bureau of Justice Statistics estimates that 95% of serious domestic assaults are committed by the male.

MYTH: Batterers just have a problem expressing anger. They need counseling.

FACT: One of the most common approaches to getting batterers to stop their abuse is to assume that they need to learn how to control their anger and solve disputes nonviolently. Battering, far from being an uncontrolled act, is imposed specifically to maintain the batterer’s control over his partner.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE STATISTICS

Approximately 50% of the homicides in Maine are domestic abuse related. In 1999, Maine had 15 domestic abuse homicides. (Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence, Domestic Abuse in Maine: Data Project II, 1996-1999, Bangor, ME, 2000. p.44-45.)

Approximately 60,000 people are victims of domestic assault annually in Maine. (Estimated by Maine Attorney General’s Office.)

1 out of every 4 American women will be physically abused by a husband or boyfriend at some time in their lives.(Domestic Violence Advertising Campaign Tracking Survey (Wave IV) conducted for the Advertising Council and the Family Violence Prevention Fund, July-October, 1996.)

According to the FBI’s Uniform Crime Reports, approximately one-third (32%) of all women murdered in 1999 in the United States were known to be killed by a current or former intimate partner.(Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Homicide Trends in the United States,” 1999)

According to the National Crime Victimization Survey (which collects data on nonfatal violent crimes against persons age 12 or older in the United States), intimate partner violence accounted for 22% of violent crime against women in the period of 1993 through 1998. During this time, intimate partner violence accounted for 3% of violence against men.(Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Intimate Partner Violence,” 2000, p.1)

40% of teenage girls ages 14-17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.(Children Now/Kaiser Permanente Poll, December 1995.)

THE EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ON CHILDREN

Each year, an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence against their mothers or female caretakers by family members.(American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996). p.11.)

Between 1993 and 1998, children under age 12 resided in 43% of households where intimate partner violence occurred.(Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Intimate Partner Violence,” 2000, p.6.)>

In homes where domestic violence occurs, fear, instability, and confusion replace love, comfort, and nurturing that children need. These children live in constant fear of physical harm from the person who is supposed to care for and protect them. They may feel guilt at loving the abuser or blame themselves for causing the violence. (Domestic Violence, Understanding a Community Problem, National Woman Abuse Prevention Fund.)

Children who witness violence were also found to show more anxiety, aggression, depression and temperamental problems, less empathy and self-esteem, and lower verbal, cognitive, and motor abilities than children who did not witness violence at home. There is also some support for the hypothesis that children from violent families of origin carry violent and violence-tolerant roles to their adult intimate relationships.(Susan Schecter and Jeffrey Edieson, “In the Best Interest of Women and Children: A Call for Collaboration Between Child Welfare and Domestic Violence Constituencies” Protecting Children. The American Humane Association. 1996.)

40-60% of men who abuse women also abuse children. (American Psychological Association Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996) p. 40.)

Children in homes where domestic violence occurs are physically abused or seriously neglected at a rate of 1500% higher than the national average in the general population. (National Woman Abuse Prevention Project, Washington, D.C.)

Boys who witness family violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than are boys raised in nonviolent homes.

(Georgia Department of Human Resources, The Family Violence Teleconference Manual (Battered Families…Shattered Lives, January, 1992.)

Girls who witness their mother’s abuse have a higher rate of being battered as adults.(Georgia Department of Human Resources, Family Violence Teleconference Resource Manual (Battered Families…Shattered Lives, January, 1992.)

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE WORKPLACE

The total health care costs of family violence are estimated in the hundreds of millions each year, much of which is paid for by the employer. (Pennsylvania Blue Shield Institute, Social Problems and Rising Health Care Costs in Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania: 1992: p. 3-5.)

Homicide is by far the most frequent fatality women workers experience at work. In 17% of these homicides, the alleged assailants were current or former husbands or boyfriends.(Fatal Workplace Injuries in 1994: A collection of Data and Analysis, Report 908, Bureau of Labor Statistics, US Department of Labor, July 1996.)
74% of employed battered women reported being harassed by their partners or husbands in the workplace either in person or over the telephone.(NY Victim Services Agency.)
Significant numbers of employers said domestic violence has a harmful effect on their company’s productivity (49%), attendance (47%), and increases in insurance and medical costs (44%). (Roper Starch Worldwide for Liz Claiborne, Addressing Domestic Violence: A Corporate Response, New York: 1004: p 9.)

ONE WOMAN’S STORY

I have heard hundreds of survivors share their stories during my years working on the hotline, going to court, and facilitating support groups. Their voices echo within me, becoming one story resounding with fear, anger, sadness, and hope:

He is jealous of everyone. I’m not allowed to go anywhere without asking permission and then he interrogates me when I return. He puts down all my friends. I can’t even visit my own mother without a hassle. He checks the mileage on my car. He hides my keys. He won’t let me drive. He makes me account for every penny I spend. If I go to the store, he times me. If I’m late, there’s hell to pay.

If I leave, he says he’ll kill himself. If I leave, he says he’ll kill me. If I leave, he’ll take the kids. If I leave, he’ll never let me alone. If I leave…If I leave…If I leave…

He doesn’t hit me that much. He throws things. My things. He smashes his fist through the kitchen cabinets. He pushes me out in the snow. When he hits me, he acts as if nothing happened. He’s always sorry and says it won’t happen again. He says if only I didn’t push his buttons, it wouldn’t happen at all.

He tells people I’m crazy. He tells people I cheat on him. He tells me no one will ever believe me. Everyone likes him. Everyone thinks he’s a good guy. I don’t have any friends anymore. My family says we should work it out. My family is sick of me leaving and going back.

He tells me no one will ever want me. He says I’m too stupid to work, too fat, too ugly, too skinny, too slutty. He tells me I can’t do anything right. I can’t do anything right.

I just want to take a walk or see a friend or read a book without him always there. I’m always walking on eggshells wondering what he’s going to do. I just want to be myself. I just want to breath my own breath.

When I left, he followed me everywhere. He knows what I eat for breakfast, who I talk to, where I shop. I know he knows because he tells me. He leaves flowers in my car. He killed my cat and left it in the mailbox. He says he’ll do anything to get me back. Anything. He says if he can’t have me, nobody can.

The kids are all mixed up. They’re acting out at school. When they see him, he cries and says I don’t believe in marriage. He asks them what I’m doing, who I’m seeing. I wonder if it will ever end, if I’ll ever be rid of him. I’ve called the police when I see him passing by my house. They say they have to catch him in the act. They say I need a witness. I’m so tired of it all. I’m just so tired.

Some days I feel hopeful. I’m beginning to like being alone. I can talk to friends on the phone as long as I like. I’m looking for work and I’m taking a class. I’m not as dumb as he says. I’m really not. Sometimes I hear his voice in my head and it sets me back. I’ve got to work so hard to get out of bed. I’m trying to figure out who I am. Who I am without him. I know I’m someone. I know I am.

Andrea Itkin- New Hope for Women