Womancare - a community based organization working to end domestic violence

EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ON CHILDREN

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. HOW DOES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AFFECT CHILDREN?

DIRECTLY:The children, too, may be physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused and/or neglected.

INDIRECTLY:Their self-esteem, self-worth, and ability to trust are affected by the lack of predictability in the home, which may manifest itself in some or all of the following ways:

Violence may erupt at any time
Tension in the air that is not understood or explained and may actually feel worse than the explosion
Inconsistent parenting with regard to routines, limit setting, and house rules; inattention to school work; extreme rules
Child may work below ability in school, have poor peer relationships, and be labeled “lazy,” “troublemaker,” or “stupid”
Child may be isolated, not allowed to spend time at friends’ homes, embarrassed to have friends come to the home, or not allowed to do so
Parents may abuse drugs or alcohol and may do so in front of the children
Child may accept blame for parents’ conflicts
Feeling of “walking on eggshells”
Trying to make everything right in order to prevent the explosion
Children may take on parental roles; taking major responsibilities for younger siblings; taking care of mom after fight, taking care of home as mom in emotionally unable to do so
Meals, adequate clothing, lunch money regularly forgotten or ignored
Children may be asked to take sides during battles
Children may have to “protect” siblings during violence: call police, friend, or ambulance
Kids have to listen to insults, watch physical violence

Overall, the two people they look to for love and trust are an abuser and victim.

2. WHAT DO CHILDREN LEARN FROM EXPOSURE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Violence is an appropriate form of conflict resolution.
Violence has a place within the family interaction.
If violence is reported to others in the community, including mental health and criminal justice professionals, there are few, if any, consequences.
Sexism, as defined by an inequality of power, decision-making ability, and roles within the family, is to be encouraged.
Violence is an appropriate means of stress management.
Victims of violence are, at best, to tolerate this behavior and, at worst, to examine their responsibility in bringing on the violence.

3. WHAT EMOTIONAL REACTIONS MIGHT CHILDREN HAVE FROM EXPOSURE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

There are several reactions that children from violent homes are likely to show. The same emotional reaction can be acted out differently according to the child’s age.

FEELING RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ABUSE:

A child might think, “If I had been a good girl/boy Daddy would not have hit Mommy.”

CONSTANT ANXIETY:

Even when things are calm, one never knows when the next fight will start.

GUILT FOR NOT STOPPING THE ABUSE:

Children also experience guilt over the good feelings they have about the abuser.

GRIEF:

Children who are separated from the abuser are in the process of grieving over the loss. Children may also grieve over losing the lifestyle and positive image of the abuser they had before the violence began.

AMBIVALENCE:

Not knowing how one feels or having two opposite emotions at the same time is very difficult for children. A child who says, “I don’t know how I feel about it,” may not be hedging but rather is confused about feelings.

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT:

Children removed from one parent as a result of violent acts may have strong fears that the other parent could also leave them or die. Thus, a child may refuse to leave the mother, even for short time periods.

NEED FOR EXCESSIVE ADULT ATTENTION:

This need can be especially troublesome for mothers who are trying to deal with their own pain and decisions.

FEAR OF PHYSICAL HARM TO THEMSELVES:

A significant percentage of witnessing children are also abused. They may worry that the abuser will find them and abduct them or that the abuser will be angry and retaliate when they return home.

EMBARRASSMENT:

Especially for older children, sensitivity to the stigma of spouse abuse may result spouse abuse may result in shame.

WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE:

The uncertainty within their daily lives may make children feel that life will continue to be unpredictable.

4. WHAT CAN I LOOK FOR IF I THINK A CHILD MAY LIVE IN A HOME WHERE THERE IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Below are some of the problems that might show up at home, school, or another family setting when a child sees or hears violence. These same problems can also come up because of other things. If a child you know has several of these problems, witnessing violence may be one of the causes.

Sleep troubles, nightmares, fear of falling asleep
Headaches, stomachaches, aches and pains
Increased aggressive behavior and angry feelings
A very high activity level (hyperactivity)
Constant worry about possible danger
Loss of skills learned earlier (toilet training, naming colors, math facts, etc.)
Withdrawing from friends and activities
Not showing feelings about anything (emotional numbness)
Worrying a lot about the safety of loved ones
Having trouble concentrating
Repetitive play about violence
Harming pets or other animals

5. HOW CAN I HELP A CHILD WHO IS IN A HOME WHERE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS PRESENT?

Healing begins with supportive relationships. A helpful, supportive adult is the most powerful tool that we have to help children feel safe. Give children permission to tell their stories. It helps children to be able to talk about the violence in their lives with trusted adults. Give clear, simple explanations about scary events. Young children think differently than adults. They do no really understand the causes of violence and will often blame themselves.

Help children to know what to expect. Have rules and routines that children can predict what will come next. Build self-esteem n children. Children need daily reminders that they are lovable, competent, and important.

Teach alternatives to violence. Help children learn to solve problems and play in nonviolent ways. Model nurturing in your interactions with children. Be a role model for children by resolving issues in respectful and nonviolent ways.

SAFETY PLAN FOR CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Things that I can do when I feel afraid:

People I trust and could go to or call for help”

Places I can go to feel safe:

CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS

You have the right TO BE yourself.
You have the right TO CHOOSE your friends.
You have the right TO WALK AWAY from those friends if you need to.
You have the right TO ASK for help.
You have the right TO MAKE your own decisions.
You have the right TO SHARE your feelings with others.
You have the right TO THINK good thoughts about yourself and others.
You have the right TO EXPECT a better way of life if you need it.
You have the right TO DISLIKE someone’s behavior (parents included).
You have the right TO ENJOY your childhood.
You have the right TO PUT yourself first.
You have the right TO TAKE CHARGE of your own life in positive, healthy ways.
You have the right TO LEARN HOW to take care of yourself.
You have the right TO FEEL whatever you’re feelings.
You have the right TO GROW at your own pace.
You have the right TO ACCEPT that there is a alcohol or drug problem in your home.
You have the right TO LEARN how to laugh and be kind to yourself.
You have the right TO BE the person you want to be.
You have the right TO FEEL good about yourself.
You have the right TO LIKE yourself.
You have the right TO LOVE yourself.

If you are concerned for yourself or for someone you care about, you
can call our 24 Hour Helpline at 207.564.8165 (Piscataquis County)
or1.888.564.8165 to speak with an advocate. |Home